Liberty Just in Case

A Dialogue for the September 12th World

Fun Friday – Even More Military Humor

Posted by zaphriel on September 23, 2005

Combat for Dummies

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor

“Aim towards the enemy.”
–Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”
–U.S. Marine Corps

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
–USAF Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
–Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
–Army’s magazine of prevention maintenance

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
–U.S. Air Force manual

“Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo.”
–Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.”
–U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.”
–Infantry Journal

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
–David Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.”
–Infantry Journal

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
–Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper….once.”
–Anon

“Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.”
–Unknown Marine Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
–Infantry Journal

“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.”
–USAF Ammo Troop

Aviation Funnies
Funny but true accounts from real aviators.

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

“US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

=================================================

I read a story a long time ago about a pilot who would say to the tower in Biloxi “Guess who?” After this happened a few times, someone turned off the runway lights and said “Biloxi; guess where?”

======================================

Chicago control tower: Lufthansa 727, you are cleared to take off please take off.

Captain of Lufthansa 727: My manifest does not agree with my passenger count; I will not depart until it does.

Another pilot from an American airline: Have you checked your ovens?

Lufthansa pilot: I refuse to take off until I receive an apology from the person who just called in.

Another airline pilot: This is Captain Smith from American Smith Airlines – I apologize.

The German pilot took off.

===================================================

Departure Control ..”Freighter 808, Traffic your 2 o’clock passing to your 9, a thousand below, He’s a Shorts 300
Freighter 808 ….”Yeah we got your Shorts out here”

===============================================

Before NAS Dallas was closed, the following occurred after several jet fighters had flown past the tower after receiving permission to “boom” the tower. The pilot of an Army single engine trainer (a Cessna) decided he wanted to play and called the tower:

Army trainer: Dallas tower, Army Tango three fife niner, request permission to boom the tower.

Dallas tower (somewhat incredulous): Army Tango three fife niner, if you can boom the tower, permission granted.

Curious, the tower crew watched as the Army trainer slowly approached the tower. Finally, the Army Cessna was abeam the tower and the pilot picked up his microphone.

Army trainer: BOOM! BOOM!

===============================================

An F-15 pulled up alongside a C-141 up in the flight levels and managed to contact the cargo plane on the radio. After chatting a while, the fighter pilot said, “Hey, watch this!”, and proceeded to do a barrel roll around the C-141.

The C-141 pilot was duly impressed, and called back, “That’s nothing. Watch this…”

After two minutes of stright and level flight, the fighter pilot couldn’t stand it, and said, “OK, what did you do?”.

The C-141 pilot said, “I just got up, walked back to the restroom and took a piss, stretched my legs for a while, then got a cup of coffee.”

=============================================

I have a friend that used to fly out of PDK near Atlanta in the “olden days”.

He knew the tower contoller personally, and one night he called him up on approach and said, “Charlie, this is N_____. Clear the field, I’m coming in on one engine.”

On final approach, the tower said, “Damn you Clarence, you’ve only got one engine!”.

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